Lorene Lydia Farrell, Lisa's mom

Today is the day she was placed to rest and also the day she was born.

My mother would have been 70 today.

4 years ago today we laid her to rest.

She is forever our angel.

May you be Light, May you be Love, May you be Peace. Mom. 5-17-42 to 5-7-08. Laid to rest at DFW National Memorial 5-17-08. A Blue Spruce recently planted near her marker, her favorite tree. A surprise gift from God. 

I have not cried like this in 4 years. My father, a widower, and a pretty good guy all around, came in to work today, in our office. A usual day. Neither one of us spoke of mom. Then as the tasks got completed, he mentioned cautiously, casually, that today was her birthday. Yep I said.  I was suppose to go to volunteer at Field Day. Too many tasks, I didn’t leave the office. Very unlike me to make a commitment and totally blow it off.

I texted a friend, Sarah, as the eclipse is approaching, making plans for meditation with Shiva Rea this weekend. I asked her to lift me up, and to hold space for me, as well. She responded that she was unusually depressed and did not have a reason. Her mother suggested perhaps she needed to pray for a friend. Then she read my text. I disclosed that this was a significant day for me. She knew. 

Yesterday…

I went to the chiropractor, a new type of treatment, soft tissue work, facia and breaking up of junk that I didn’t want to admit was still there.

Tuesday…

I spent at least an hour on the phone with a friend and mentor and high vibration sister, Kristin. We got deep into conversation about the Venus retrograde, and all the stuff that is coming up in our lives is clearing space for us to move forward into a huge awakening. Making space for transformation. BURNING out all that doesn’t resonate on the higher vibration of existence. However, the need to remain grounded into This Reality, is critical as we ae living on the physical plane, therefore must reside in the lower chakras to thrive on Earth. This also affects the ability to have financial control and retain money.

 Monday…

I went to my studio and the power was shut off. Oncore came in and literally shut it off during my teacher’s class. No warning. Off. No hot yoga this morning! WTF!!!

So, I took my mat out to the field out back, turned on my Mac, signed everyone into class and we did Surya Namaskar facing the East, just like Ramaswami taught me.

Then I held a Lifecoaching session for a student and friend, in the humid air by the window inside the studio with morning light.

She had a breakthrough moment. The light behind the clouds always shines through.

I went home to figure out what happened to my power. The electric company said they didn’t get my regular payment, which used to be on autopay. No warning, no letter, no call; simply  just cut me off the grid.  AND it won’t be on again until I pay them $1000 plus my bill. CASH via a debit card. Now my check isn’t even good with them. Perfect credit history, one F up and

***BAM***

Tears of frustration.

Of grief. No, can’t be. Im fine.

Im just angry at the electric company.

No hot yoga tonight.

Creative financing by my lovely husband, but no power for 24 hours! Im angry very angry. I cry out in front of my teenage boy. He consoles me. Im just mad at the electric company.

Back to the studio.

Yoga in the meadow, instead of Hot yoga. Then my next class, Fluid Power 101 became Surya Namaskar facing West, to watch the setting sun.

Again, the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. This time I listened to the pulse of the Universe and gave thanks as I faced my students with the amber glow of sunset on their cheeks, bits of wildflowers stuck in my hair, an ant bite and truly GAVE THANKS.

Thank you for taking away my power.

Thank you for giving my power back in such a more meaningful way.

A gift of Savasana in the wildflower meadow.

Last weekend… A tiny knot, the size of a pea appeared on my traps, just below my neck. Weird. Cant meditate. Running. What is that I heard? Greif? NO… I FREAKING DEAL WITH THAT SHIT 4 YEARS AGO.

I’M FINE!!! 

Mother’s Day was last weekend. Thats cool. It is totally unrelated.

RUN don’t look back RUN. 

Back to yesterday. So that soft tissue work, WHOA MOMMA. I had some crap up in there. I havent been that SORE since I took class with Bryan Kest in early 2010 when I totally gave my everything in the front row… with no one to  see or to compare myself with, drishdi on the wall right before me with 150 yogis, yet no one else was there. I felt my edge. I was healing.

So, here it is.

Today.

Well, yesterday, now. 4 years ago to the hour, as my Dad pointed out, and we decided to go back to her memorial, as we wrap up early in the office. We decide to go today, unplanned, to make the trek to the DFW National Memorial for the first time in over 3 years. We both pass it ALL THE TIME on the highway. Literally, several times a month. Never stopped. Nope. I’M FINE!!! Oh, yeah, Its pretty. Its grassy and clean and has a little lake. But why go there? She isn’t there anyway. No need. Passing by. Pushing the feeling welling up in my heart STUFF IT BACK DOWN. Im fine. I can see to drive, I had something in my eye. Damn traffic is too close. Wipe it away.  DRIVE ON.

Well, today is the day. Me and my dad.

Yep. Im ready. Im tired of stuffing my heart felt grief down down. I have too much evidence that this is it. I am ready to remove this ROADBLOCK. This is the only thing in my way to freedom.

Im ready.

I feel enlightened. I need to finish up last minute phone calls in the car on the way… I can feel the shift already happening… I wrap up this business, I call my friend Michelle. I take a wrong turn, and my dad, who’s following me pulls me over. ‘What the heck are you doing? Get off the phone!

Follow me’, Dad said.

I did.

We pulled in to the beautiful Memorial park.

…CRAP THERE IS THAT FEELING…

big swallow. wheres my water bottle anyway. what row is it? I don’t remember that tree. which row? Oh crap. There.

No.

Yes.

Go.

Ok, so now the 4 years of tears. My Daddy’s soft shoulder, holding on. Boo-hoo-hoo ing and I don’t care who hears me. I held on like his little girl.

my mommy is gone from this plane. she isn’t in that little box. maybe I can ask them to open it and I can get some more ashes to plant under another tree. they won’t do that. i don’t remember picking out that cross with the heart in it. was this bench here or is it new.

Tears tears tears.

Releasing.

Freedom.

Its ok.

She’s not gone.

He let go. Not of me. Of her. 

I cried for him too.

And for my sister, Denise.

Im free.

She’s free.

She’s been waiting to set me free.

I went to get my phone out of my car to take a picture, and felt I needed to leave something. I found my daughter’s tiny wooden butterfly craft she just painted. I placed it there under her marker.

She always loved butterflies.

The Butterfly under the Grave. Nana Farrell and her Granddaughter.

I believe in miracles.

I believe in Wishes Fulfilled.

I believe that when I believe it is already done.

And so it is. 

AHO!

Join me in Reiki + meditation + a blessing.

Infinite light surrounds you. Infinite Love Enfolds you. Infinite Wisdom guided you. Infinite Power courses through you.

Wherever you are God is.

So be it.

Namaste.

~Lisa~

5/17/12

*Wishes Fulfilled by Dr. Wayne Dyer~ recommended reading